


I'll forgive your sins

by BitterRenegade



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: At least in my experience with it, Caduceus Clay is the Real Tea, Demisexuality, F/M, Forgive me universe!, Or maybe it's more demiromantic, Original Character(s), POV Original Character, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 14:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21459730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: Sometimes self-care is writing something self-indulgent.Or, "That time that I wrote a oneshot about friends to possibly-more-than-friends Caduceus Clay x my D&D character because of my huge flipping crush".
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Original Character, Caduceus Clay/Original Character(s), Caduceus Clay/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 22





	I'll forgive your sins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BitterRenegade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/gifts).

> I've been having a tough time lately, and when I have tough times I like to write.
> 
> Oh and also when I was listening to Crit Role a few weeks ago I heard "I'll forgive your sins", and then I died, and then I used it for this cute thing.

It was the first time that I’d been able to visit him in awhile. Truly, it felt like more and more members of the Clay family had left each time that I had gone to visit them, and now not even Caduceus lived in the grove. The last I’d heard, he teamed up with a group that called themselves 'The Mighty Nine' or something, even though there were only seven of them in the group.

Somehow our paths hadn’t crossed, but I had heard that, at least for the last few days, my firbolg friend was 'back in town' as it were. Or, well, back where he used to live before I had run off and then… he did.

It was weird. Before, I had always looked at the Grove as “coming back home”. Now that it wasn’t  _ his _ home, however, it didn’t feel like a place for  _ me _ to go back to, anymore. But, as long as my sources were correct… and they usually were, I knew I’d be able to get to see Caduceus again. And as an added bonus, meet his new companions.

What I didn’t expect upon meeting them, however, was a crossbow bolt to my throat and a little goblin girl holding the trigger.

“Caleb! Caleb! I got the one who tripped the alarm!” Her voice cried out, shrill. “Put your hands in the air, you’ve been caught!” I resisted the urge to grimace at the sharp, yellowed teeth lest the movement be enough to get a fresh hole in my neck. My right hand hovered on the hilt of my dagger, but I managed to let out a shaky breath and instead raise my hands above my head. Honestly, if Vreck had sent me into a trap and used Cad’s Grove as the location, I would skin him alive. He  _ knew  _ how much I love—  _ cared _ about Caduceus and his family. Allowing anyone to kill me in this place, well, I wouldn’t allow it.

“I might not be unarmed,” I said, voice low. “But considering that I entered here without a weapon even drawn, I think it would be polite for you to tell me why there was an alarm for me to trip, as well as a crossbow in my face.” For a moment the goblin looks guilty, but the guilt is quickly replaced by a stubbornness that I was only used to seeing when I looked in the mirror most mornings. 

“Nott! What are you doing?!” Another voice rang out. The accent was odd and unlike any that I’d heard before. But the cry was more than enough of a distraction for me to grab the crossbow and direct it away from me, as well as grab my dagger and hold it up defensively before feeling my magic curl around my fingertips before my spell— just meant to get me away— fizzled out. From the corner of my eye I saw the cause; a human mage. Frustrated, I threw the goblin’s hand crossbow out of reach and stepped back a few feet, trying to calculate just how many people I was up against.

“Aerin?!”

My gaze snapped in the direction of the familiar voice, and I felt myself relax involuntarily as I saw Caduceus watching me with surprised eyes. I let my dagger clatter to the floor and ran towards my friend, jumping into his arms and grinning ear to ear. “Cad!!!” I nuzzled into the soft fur of his neck, relaxing further when the lanky cleric wrapped his arms around me in kind. “You’re really here…” I buried my face into the crook of his shoulder. “...yay.”

“Caduceus, is she your  _girlfriend_ ?!” The same voice, the one that had distracted the goblin girl, gushed. I released the firbolg quickly, embarrassed by the amount of weakness I’d shown to complete strangers, but he kept his arms around me.

“Not quite.” “No!”

Cad chuckled, the sound lovely and low as I hid my face in his chest, scowling and embarrassed. “Aerin is an old family friend. We’ve known each other for years,” the firbolg explained, allowing me to stand next to him normally. These were his companions, not mine. “Have you been in town long, Rin?”

“No,” I shook my head, blushed, then slumped further into his arms. “Vreck sent me a message. Said you’d returned for a time. I… just… I wanted to make sure you were doing well.”

It was hard to focus on  _ my _ friend when  _ his _ friends were staring at the two of us. The girls, at least. Watching with big eyes and grins and I didn’t even  _ want  _ to know what they were thinking.

Regardless, Caduceus seemed pleased by my answer, and gestured towards his families home. “Would you like to join us for some tea?”

I practically beamed up at the firbolg, taking his arm and nodding. “Of course!”

~*~

Catching up with Caduceus and getting to know his friends was… interesting, to say the least. While at first I hadn’t been too fond of the goblin and the wizard, both had grown on me as the day had gone on. Alas, the ragtag group had a few missions they had to go on, and after giving my childhood friend a long hug I made him promise to get Jester to send me a message every now and then to check in.

I did not see them again until Traveler Con. Which, in hindsight, I should have expected them to be at. Jester was  _ exactly  _ the kind of person I expected to follow the trickster god.

“ _ Aerin!!!  _ You follow the Traveler too?!” The blue tiefling gushed. I ignored Caduceus’s stare, blank with a hint of surprise and likely disappointment. Instead I focused on the big smile, the joy in front of me with a swishing blue tail.

“I’m a newer convert,” I explained shyly, and the girl threw her arms around me happily, overjoyed. The Traveler hummed in my ear, obviously pleased with how I was getting along with his favorite follower. Then all of us participated in some fun, yet weird, yet dangerous adventure, and I sang songs and recited silly haiku's and helped Jester make our mark on the site.

At one point I very nearly died. There was emptiness, a claw and a viciousness gripping at my being. Then there was light, and I felt a pull and imagined the smiles of the Wildmother and the Traveler as they guided me back to consciousness. I wanted to scream, to cry, to wail and sob.

It was still  _ following _ me. Like I couldn’t escape the hurt and the  _ dark _ .

But still, I forced a smile onto my face as I stared up into Caduceus’s worried, lovely deep pink eyes. “I could get used to looking at you from this angle,” I managed to choke out, a hand clutching my aching, bleeding, broken body. Caduceus’s mouth turned downwards into a frown, but he still tried to ease the pain. His magic, warm and reminding me of his hugs, seeping into my battered being and soothing it as it stitched itself back together.

Even though the battle was over, I wasn’t too sure how long we stayed like that. It wasn’t like I had been  _ killed  _ killed. There hadn’t been a ritual, just a gem. Yes I felt sore and in pain, but I hadn’t been dragged down into the depths where that  _ thing  _ was. The Traveler saved me. The Wildmother saved me.

But mostly Caduceus saved me.

Tears began to pool in my eyes as I looked up at my dearest friend. “I’m sorry,” I told him softly, honestly. I repeated the two words like a mantra as the tears began to fall, and the pink-haired firbolg lowered himself to hug me without jostling my body too much. I sobbed, repeating the apology. An apology that he didn’t fully understand. An apology for coming back only to leave again. For getting wrapped up in things too big for me. For my mistakes, for him having to see me so broken.

“Don’t apologize, you don’t need to apologize,” he spoke over me, pressing our foreheads together, eyes closed. “Please, Aerin, you don’t need to apologize.”

A few days later, I continued to travel with Caduceus and his friends. Whispers clung to the edges of my consciousness, reminding me that the Traveler wasn’t quite  _ enough _ .

I didn’t speak much, still processing everything that had happened. I kept my hand in Cad’s, whispered prayers to the Traveler. Occasionally Jester would converse with me and I would reply. I was glad that Caduceus had such good friends.

When we reached the next town, they made the decision to stay in the Inn for that night. Two rooms. I stared up at Caduceus, scared, when the girls began talking about how all of us were going to have a sleepover. He glanced back at me, squeezed my hand, and put a couple more silver down on the counter. 

“One more room, please,” he requested giving me a gentle look and ignoring the looks and teasing jabs his friends sent in his direction. The only ones that didn’t comment were Fjord and, surprisingly, Jester. The blue tiefling likely realized how shaken I’d been by my near death experience. The Innkeeper gave the two of us a look, noticed my hand shaking in his, then handed him a key.

“I mean, since Caduceus and Aerin are bunking together… Jester, do you want to bunk with Fjord tonight?” Nott asked, not even attempting to be subtle about it. Jester scowled and shook her head. 

“Nott, stop.”

“Sorry…”

I inched slightly closer to Caduceus and he led me towards our room. “Goodnight everyone,” he told them politely as we left. 

“Thank you, Cad,” I told him quietly. Entering the room, he shut the door behind us and began to put down his gear and take off his armor. I did the same, removing my cloak and my leathers until we were both just in our regular clothes. Caduceus looked smaller without his armor, still tall, but lankier. There were two beds, one by the window and another by the wall. He took the one by the window.  Exhaustion overtook me quickly, as did the nightmares. Guilt scratched at my innards and I woke up crying. Caduceus wasn’t there, his bed was empty, his stuff organized neatly. “Traveler, are you here?” I said aloud. Being in closer proximity to Jester seemed to make it easier to call on him. Make him more real than he was when I was far away, on my own, and without hope or faith. But she was near, and I knew she was near, and the shifting of shadows revealed a smile hidden behind a green hood sitting next to me.

The Traveler let out a low chuckle, not even needing to ask me what was wrong. “You could just sleep with him, you know.”

I choked on air, gaping at the god as I wrapped the blankets around me like a cocoon. “What?” The teasing smirk under the hood made me pout. “Oh. Ha ha,” I grumbled. “Not funny.”

“Now, _you’re_ the one adding a connotation to it. It’s not like I’m advising anything  _ other _ than sleeping.”

“... I don’t want to cross any boundaries.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean… hugging, holding hands, that’s normal for us. We’ve never slept together. Same room or camp, sure. Not… _closer_.”

“He reminds you of happier times.”

The door opened slowly, and when I looked back to where the Traveler had been sitting, he was gone.

“Ah, Aerin, you’re awake,” Caduceus smiled at me warmly, closing the door. “I brought you some food. I thought of waking you to eat with the others but you’ve seemed so exhausted.”

“...Not hungry,” I told him. Bit my lip. “Cad?”

Worried eyes. “Are you alright?”

I shook my head, no, and unfurled myself from my blankets. “... can you stay with me until I fall asleep?”  _ Please don’t leave me alone.  _ My body began to shake and he was at my side in an instant. There were two beds, but we squeezed into one, him hugging me to his chest as I shook.

“...When will you tell me?” he asked. His voice held no judgement, no accusations, no anger or disappointment. Just… Caduceus had always been able to tell if something was wrong with me. That something had been wrong for awhile, since even before he saved me.

“Bad things happened, Cad,” I replied, and the firbolg pushed me away by my shoulders to look at me with sad, rose-colored eyes. “A lot. A lot of bad things.”

“You know that you can tell me anything, Aerin.”

We laid there in silence for a time, him looking at me so earnestly. Like there wasn’t anything I could do that he would hate me for. But he should, he should. Here I was, accepting all of his kindness, all of his warmth, his care… and I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve  _ him _ .

And then I realized it.

Somewhere along the way, I’d acquired feelings for my firbolg friend. The hugs, the closeness, the friendship… I’d been overstepping without meaning to. Using our comfort around each other to my advantage, which was entirely unfair.

Truly, I was an idiot. No wonder people made comments. Gave looks. Even the Traveler knew how I felt before I even realized it. 

I sat up quickly, turning my body and dangling my legs off the edge of the bed. “I don’t deserve you, Caduceus Clay.”

“Aerin?” Caduceus followed suit, moving to sit beside me and tilting his head to the side in confusion. I felt a claw dig into my chest, making me feel cold. My hands were folded on my lap, still shaking, still chilled. 

“I’m beginning to realize how selfish I’ve been to you,” I continued slowly, carefully, keeping my voice steady and my eyes on the wall across from us. “Going to you for comfort in a way that I shouldn’t be.

Caduceus’s confusion could be felt even though I wasn’t looking at him. “We’re friends, you’re allowed to come to me when you’re struggling.”

“But we shouldn’t be friends!” I blurted out, hands clenched into fists and eyes shut tightly. The tension in the air could be cut with my dagger, stunned silence ringing out between us. 

After a long, awkward pause, Cad’s voice broke through. Soft. Sad. “What do you mean by that?”

Keeping my eyes shut, I resisted the urge to curl into a ball. “... You’re too good for me.”

“That’s just silly.”

“If you knew everything that’s happened, everything I’ve done since I left that first time… You would hate what I’ve become.”

“Aerin, look at me.” I shook my head. With a small sigh, I felt the bed shift as Caduceus moved to crouch in front of me and place his fingers on my chin. “Please?” I shook in place, but slowly blinked my eyes open to look at him. At my compliance, he smiled at me gently, and lowered his hands to mine, holding them. “I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’ve been taking advantage of our friendship,” I told him, tearing up. “A lot of bad things happened, a lot of people would get hurt or die because of me, and then I would go back and you would be there, and you cared, and you were kind, and then somewhere down the line I fell for you so completely that I couldn’t tell the difference between loving you and us just being us and  _ that isn’t fair to you _ . Especially since I don’t know how you feel, and I don’t want you to feel pressured to return my feelings, and I’ve done so many terrible things and I don’t want that for you.”

The firbolg let out a shaky breath, leaning up to press his forehead against mine. Caduceus was always so  _ warm _ , so kind, so open and honest . 

“I’ll forgive your sins.”


End file.
